Tuesday, May 31, 2011

palm reading?

Someone read my palms tonight.  I know it’s probably a bunch of phooey but it’s strange to sit there and listen to details about your life ahead.  She looked at my left hand first.  Apparently the first one they look at is the one that matters but when she paused and asked if I really wanted to know when I was going to die, I wish she had looked at my right.  On that hand, I die at 60.  60!  But I have two children (can she see that those will be adopted cuz I am so not popping out two kids), I will be quite well off but will make big sacrifices in my own career for my partner’s (who I meet later in my career path) Oh and did I mention that I die at 60?

I made her do the other hand.  Had she told me, like she later told everyone else, that you’re supposed to think about which hand you give I would have given her my right.  So, on the other hand I live to 103.  Now that might be just as scary to me as 60 but I’d rather that than peace out so young.  I am also very wealthy and she didn’t say anything about kids but that I do make a significant difference in the world with my career.  According to this hand I already know my life partner but we aren’t together just yet.  I don’t know about that last detail but the rest sounds pretty decent to me.  Do you get a say in the matter?   How does this all work? Can I choose to live my right hand?


editors note:  I was quite isistent that I could have my right hand life and now that I have access to google I wanted to find out.   Wikipedia made me feel much better when it told me that “The left is what the gods give you, the right is what you do with it."  Sweet. 

Sunday, May 29, 2011

bit of a disaster

Yoga and I had a good run. But it looks like I’m out of commission now. I was starting to think this wasn’t ever going to happen. I started to have hope that in all those planks and wild things that my wrist was going to hold out. But the shooting, stabbing pain reared its ugly head again last night and there will be no more down dogs or chaturangas for me. I have had a strange, rather silly wrist injury for a while. Something about a bone being too long and severe ligament damage blah blah blah. All I know is when I discussed options with the orthopedist I wanted to get the hell out of there when he made a chopping motion on my arm. I started doing pushups on barbells to keep my wrist straight and have been careful not to put all of the weight on that wrist in any poses but I guess I was not careful enough. I’m going to still try to do what I can. I think I would be a bit lost without my yoga. But its going to be difficult when down dog is basically home base, and chatarunga was doing great things for my arms. Looks like my standing, balancing poses are going to get a lot of attention.

But I’m not done. Moving to another extremity, and another activity I was looking forward to doing this week. I dropped a jug of water onto my foot last night. The handle on the bottle gave out and there it went, right onto the top of my left foot. It didn’t even hurt. I apologized to the group for the loud sound, poured myself a glass of water and hung out for a while. A few minutes later my shoe felt strange so I lifted up my pant leg to adjust the strap and BAM! Huge, I’m talking, I-like medical-shows-and-terrifying-diseases-and-blood-doesn’t-creep-me-out-but-this-made-me-dry-heave-a-little kind of huge swollen mass on the top of my foot. It was actually pretty amazing. And annoying, it didn’t hurt until the skin had to stretch over twice the area it usually does. First I thought “Shit!” then like the good daughter of a nurse “RICE” Rest. Ice. Compression.Elevation. Well we were just on our way to walk to dinner. Rest was not to be had. And this is Mombasa. Ice? Not a chance. Compression? I know I brought ace wraps, I thought I brought Ace wraps, damn, Ace wraps didn’t make it back in one of the rounds of packing. I can picture them now sitting in the papasan chair thousands of miles away. Eff. Elevation ok I can do that. When we get to the restaurant I’ll put my leg up. Somehow one out of four doesn’t seem great.

To top it all off, my lungs are already angry. When I went to Cuba for a week a couple of years ago I came back with some sort of pneumonia-esque lung issues. Pneumoia .From the Caribbean. Make sense of that. Turns out my asthma riddled lungs I wrote about earlier about are very displeased with the diesel and the charcoal burning that fills the air in this city. After a full day of walking around I can feel my lungs get tight, my breath shorten a bit as the air burns a little going down. My only respite is the fact that at night the fresher air from the coast blows through my room and I wake up feeling a little better. I am nervous that I’ve only been here a few days and am already feeling it and still have more than two months to go in air like this.

Like I said medical disaster. And this is only the beginning.

Friday, May 27, 2011

i'm here

If only everyday could be like today

watched the sun rise while listening to the waves crash
did yoga on my balcony overlooking the water
ate a mango for breakfast on the balcony overlooking the water
read half a book on the roof overlooking the water
walked around town

all before 9am

the view from my balcony

Thursday, May 26, 2011

i'm off

It was 3:15am and I was sitting on my couch, TV turned off, bags by the door, waiting for my friend to come get me to take me to the airport. I had been awake for 22 hours. I have also been going off of four to five hours of sleep a night for the past week or so. If you know me you know that means I’m not ok. I like my sleep. A lot. I haven’t been trying to stay awake. It hasn’t been a particularly stressful week. I’ve been going to bed at a decent hour but somehow my body has grown accustomed to waking up at 5:00am and deciding it just wants to stay awake.

I’ve been making the most of my extra couple of hours in the morning though. When my alarm went off yesterday at 7:30 I had already been awake for two hours, gone for a run, done some laundry and checked off some more items off the seemingly endless to do list. I spent the rest of the day working, running some errands and going to a fantastic dinner with some fantastic friends.

But the night stretched on as I decided to stay awake until I had to leave for the airport. I tend to get a little more emotional when fatigue starts to set in and as I sat there I started to feel like I was not ready for this trip. I don’t know what it is. I’ve traveled before. I want to travel forever. I love it. This is exactly what I wanted to be doing this summer and yet I couldn’t help but feel wholly unprepared.

I took a couple of deep breaths and recalled a yoga instructor who told us at the beginning of each class that everything we needed we already had. On and off the mat. Through joyful times and challenging ones, we all possess everything we need. Trust yourself, follow your intentions and everything else will follow. I’m sure I’ll falter. I’m sure I’ll miss home, but I am so longing for an adventure this summer. My breath steadied, my heart rate slowed and my phone rang. I was off.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

the reading material

I am quite convinced that by the time I get back in August I will have forgotten how to speak English. By the way, you might already think that is the case because I haven’t done a second of proofing any of these posts and I’m sure they are riddled with typos. 

Now three months may not really be long enough to make me forget a language I have spent almost 25 years learning.  But my brain is certainly going to be confused.  You see I’ll be taking 4-5 hours of Swahili classes every day.  And while “We won’t be speaking any English in this Swahili class” has been said before and then quickly forgotten, this is Yale. Yale doesn’t mess around. Judging by the syllabus and the reading materials she’s provided already, I think this professor means it. 

I also have made it a mission to get my French back in the next year.  So on top of a little Michel Thomas I also decided to get some books. In French.  I bought books I’ve never read and always felt like I should have.  Pride and Prejudice, or should I say Orgueil Et Prejuges, and Alice au Pays des Merveilles (I think you can figure that one out). Oh and because I was curious about how they translated words like Hogwarts and quidditch, and because if eight year olds can read it in English, I should be able to handle it in French, I bought Harry Potter a L'ecole Des Sorciers. 





Unfortunately the reading material isn’t all for fun. In my time outside of class I will also be spending 15 hours a week on my practicum. I know I haven’t given any details yet but it involves thousands of pages of interviews that were done in Thailand and not so wonderfully translated into English.  So bear with me if these posts get worse than they already are.  

Monday, May 23, 2011

the gear

I have a giant duffel bag full of things I'll need and want that, but really if I went with a change of underwear, a tooth brush and my camera bag I'd be a happy girl.  I will have quite a few toys with me.  I know some of y'all are photo nerds like me and I'm just so psyched about my this trip I'll give a run down.  I recently bought myself a Nikon D7000 and a 35mm prime lens.  Let me tell you, this combo is fun.  The D7000 is just fantastic. There are enough reviews out there that I'll let you read about others gushing about it if you want.  But I am loving it.  I also am bringing my Nikon D80 as a backup body.  Hard to believe I bought that camera almost 5 years ago.  A few guys a camera store scoffed at me when I mentioned having that camera.  I don't know what they were talking about.  Its treated me well for the past 4+ years and will be a great second body for the trip.  The 17-55 and 50-200 are coming too.  I don't use the zoom too much but if I get to see some wildlife it'll be nice to have.

Heres where the fun part comes in.  Nikon FE2.  This camera was made before I was born.  I've been wanting to shoot some film for a while and can't think of a better time to just jump into it again.  I met someone last week over a sweet sweet twin lens reflex camera and later that week got to hold real prints.  Really real, used to be film, someone spent time with in a darkroom, prints in my hand.  It was a very exciting moment.  I bought a ton of black and white film and had my dad send me lenses. I shot a roll this weekend to make sure the camera is working out well.  No instant gratification here.  I have to wait till Tuesday to see if I got any decent photos. 

I also bought a holga this week.  Talk about a toy.  This is the simplest little camera but it will be fun for Mombasa beach pictures with friends and medium format is just too cool to pass up.   I'm going to have to hire my dad to process and develop all of this film and will hopefully get to spend some time in a darkroom again when I make it home for Christmas next year.  

The bag tops out at a whopping 21 pounds of camera glory.  I. Can. Not. Wait. Ok I'm done.



a different beginning

This blog has been my outlet for my experience through yoga the last few weeks so even though the content will be shifting pretty dramatically for the rest of the summer I wanted to just continue the same one.  One of the first questions friends and family have asked me when I tell them I am going to Africa for a summer is "Whats the link to your blog?"  Well truth is, I'm not really much of a blogger.  I guess have been in a the last few weeks but it was more to get my ramblings out without bugging my friends for the 10th time that week about how great I felt after that yoga class.  They got it, I felt great.  So I told the internet. Now I have people  who want to know how I'm doing on my next adventure.

There are three reasons in my mind right now for using this blog for my upcoming trip.
A.To avoid doing the work I don't want to be doing right now.
2.  To keep some kind of running journal that I can't lose or just pack away in a box.  I recently went back to my Ethiopia blog and while there weren't many posts, it was kind of cool to remember some things I had let slip away.
and D. To make my mother happy (since I haven't even left yet and she misses me already.)

I think mostly this is for my mom. And maybe dad, siblings and aunts, uncles, cousins, basically anyone my mom is going to send the link to and insist they see what her baby girl is doing halfway around the world.   I don't know if I'll maintain it as much as I should.  I didn't the last time I went abroad but, we'll see.

For those of you who may see this and not know what my plans are yet I'll give you a quick run down.  I leave in a few days for Mombasa, Kenya where I will be taking Swahili classes every day for 8 weeks. I took a full year of Swahili here at UNC this year and received a fellowship to continue studying.  The program is run by Yale.  I'll be living in a house with a bunch of Yale undergrads.  For those of you who pray, I may need a few.  When I'm not in classes I'll working on my practicum for my degree (I'll spare you the details of that project, I don't even know if I understand it yet), taking tons of photos and with any luck hanging out on the beautiful white sand beaches in my time off.

As soon as classes there end I'll be heading south to Lilongwe, Malawi.  The UNC medical school runs a rather large set of clinics in Lilongwe and they have asked me to come do some documentary photography for them.  This is it. This is what I want to do with the next 50 plus years of my life so fingers crossed all works out well.

Summer in Chapel Hill has beautiful so far. The weather is amazing. Seriously though people. Why our family settled in Michigan I will never figure out.  I had an unexpected last couple of weeks.  Met some wonderful people.  Spent time with friends.   Got out in the city a lot more.   Part of me wishes I was staying put.  Just part of me.

I'll do my best to keep in touch everyone.  I should have pretty decent internet and I'll be uploading photos as I go so as soon as that is set up I'll post a link where you can take a look at those as well.  When I'm on skype don't hesitate to call me.  If I remember Ethiopia right, mixed in all of the wonderful times, theres a bit of lonely when you're abroad without a ton of connections and I can say right now I'll appreciate the contact.

Much, much love all.

Friday, May 20, 2011

letting joy in

I have logged at least 70 hours on my mat in the last 26 days and have a few more classes before I leave next week. This journey this month through yoga has been just what I needed.  Both physically and mentally.  I was able to set a goal and stick to it. I have focused on the connection of mind, body and breath.  I have put time, effort, love and energy into something that I needed.  It wasn't for anyone else, it was for me. I have felt more calm and peace than I have in years.    Most importantly, I felt joy again. Real joy.  Something that had been seriously lacking in my life this year. And that felt great.  I made some poor decisions this year.  I put my heart in something for too long this year that did not better it, but rather began to destroy it.  I've found my heart again.

My journey is far from over. I was able to pack a yoga mat in my duffel for my summer trip.  I have recordings of yoga classes, I have a couple of DVDs to follow if I really need it. But I also am at a point that I should be able to manage an hour or so of yoga on my own.  It will be a matter of finding the discipline to do it on my own.  Staying in shape while abroad is a feat.  I won't be able to run very much.  I may be able to get away with it on the beach near the tourist resorts. And when I get to Malawi there's a hash house harriers group (wikipedia that ish, its going to be fun). And there will be no free weights, and I'll be dammed if I lose my triceps again.  I like 'em too much now. So I'll need a lot of creativity if I'm going to stay active while I'm gone.

I look forward to continuing this journey this summer while I am abroad and continuing to focus my life on letting in joy.  I urge anyone reading to go to a yoga class.  For those of you in Chapel Hill, your first class is free at Franklin Street Yoga.  All of the instructors are great, but if you can work it into your schedule go to Mike's class.  Have I stressed how much I like Mike's classes yet?  

Monday, May 9, 2011

such a hippie

So a while back. We’re talking maybe freshman year of high school here, I had a mild obsession with the movie Ferris Bueller. Pretty sure I can still quote the movie the whole way through. And I know that is in no way shape or form a unique to me. But something I don’t know many people have done, is read the original script in its entirety. Like I said.Obsessed. The script might be more brilliant than the movie was. They left a lot on the cutting room floor. One of my favorite quotes that got cut both reminds me of my mother and makes me see where I am headed.

“My mother was a hippie. She lost it. She got old. If she listens to the White Album now, She doesn't hear music, she hears memories. Nostalgia is her favorite drug. It'll probably be mine, too.”

This month has brought out the hippie in me. And some of these posts as so cheesy-touchy-feely-hippy-dippy they even make me gag. But I’m in this experience so deep right now. It's great.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

emotions=good

I used to be an emotional person. I know, I know, some of you are thinking, “Used to be!?” Yes, hard to be believe. I used to feel things in a big way. Some would criticize that. Like having emotions is a bad thing.I often embraced it. To me it was better than not feeling anything. I like feeling things in a big way. Because, even though that means sadness may hit me hard, other things, good things, like love can totally and completely fill my heart.

In the school of public health, HBHEs are known as the touchy feely ones. And for the most part its true. I think I was so overwhelmed by 50 something other touchy feely people all around me, I rebelled a little bit. And with stress from school and ignoring problems in a relationship, and being hurt by those I thought were friends, I’ve pushed all feelings away because it was easier to just not feel it. And it was certainly more pleasant than being “overly emotional.”

But I’m going to let myself feel those feelings again. When I pushed back all the hurt and sad feelings I think the happiness went with it

I may not have time like this again for a while. In the fall I’ll go back to school and then it’ll be into the real world of full time jobs and all the other things that come with real life. But I have the time now. To feel, to be. I am hoping that by putting in the dedication now that I will be able to better take the time to continue and have this be a part of the real world for me.

I’ve spent the past year helping someone else get their oxygen mask on and I’ve been losing oxygen fast. Right now I get to commit this next month to me and to feeling things again. Hopefully good things.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

i'll be back

I had a feeing when I woke up this morning, as I got ready for the day, that I would have a hard time making myself go to yoga. I put my yoga clothes on, instead of regual clothes in some bad attempt to remind myself that it was in the plan for today. I just knew I wouldn’t want to leave my mom alone for another hour and a half. I feel like I need to entertain her while she is here and she had to wait for me while I was in class yesterday. I didn’t want to make her wait again.

Also, my body is hurtin. By back is sore, my legs ache, my feet are cramping, my wrist just straight hurts. It has come to the point of wondering if it is better for my body and soul to take a day off. I’m struggling with this. I knew this day would come but I still had no idea how to prepare for it. I made a goal when I started this process. A goal to go to yoga every day. I fear that if I don’t go one day, I won’t go again. I’ve done it before. Started running, ran everyday for a few weeks, took a day off and didn’t run again. Started biking, biked every day, got sick, haven’t biked since.There is a difference between those things and this for me though. Running and biking was always for exercise. I grudgingly laced up my shoes because I felt like I had to. Gotta get that heart rate up at least a half hour a day.Gotta burn more calories than I take in (and I take in a lot). There was not a lot of joy in it. I wish I liked running. I really do. But it was a chore and I welcomed the excuse to take a day off. When I’m out shopping with my mom today I know I’ll miss it. And I also know I’ll be back tomorrow.

Friday, May 6, 2011

losing balance

In yoga we talk a lot about how each day is different and each side of your body is different. Just because you can hold a pose or deepen a pose on one side does not mean it will be the same on the other side, or that you won’t fall tomorrow. Today was a very different day for me. Today was rough. We did a lot of balancing poses and I couldn’t hold them for a second. My feet cramped immediately and I could not hold my gaze in one spot. It felt pathetic and frustrating knowing that I was physically able to do these things. I have done them for weeks, and felt like I should only be getting stronger and this just felt like a huge step back. As I felt more unbalanced, I felt more frustrated. I lost control over my breath and lost focus in what I was doing which just made me more unbalanced and more frustrated. You get the point.

Every once and a while we lose balance. It can happen when we least expect it. Each day is going to be very different from the one before. All you can do is breathe deep, focus your mind and look for that place of balance again.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Today we when we brought our hands to prayer in front of our hearts and were asked to set an intention, the instructor suggested we go beyond ourselves. I have started to feel a little selfish in my practice. Almost every class I have set an intention about myself. About feeling more joy, about being more grounded, about being able to just be in the space I am now. It has frequently been about me. I think I needed that for the first several classes. I went into this journey out of a need for self-care and reflection.

Today, with her urging, my intention has changed. It is important go outside yourself and Sunday night, while I was relaxing, watching Brothers and Sisters, ABC interrupted my programming for a special announcement. It has ben almost ten years since the attacks on the trade towers and the pentagon. Almost ten years of fighting a war I’m not sure we understand.

As I sat and watched the TV that night and as events unfolded in the following days I had a jumble of thoughts and feelings about what is all meant. All over the country people were gathering to celebrate his death. In my own hometown, in a town center named after Rosa Parks (someone through whom non-violent protest brought change) that was designed by Maya Lin (the women who also designed the Vietnam War Memorial) a party was thrown. It was all starting to make me a little sick. People who weren’t guzzling beers, waving flags and chanting U.S.A were deemed unpatriotic. I love my country. I don’t think I would be living the life I am living if I were not a citizen of this country. But I could not wrap my head around celebrating a death. No matter how terrible the person, no matter the horrible things he did, I cannot hoot and holler and rejoice in the violent death of another person.

As this week wore on it was clear that I was not the only one with these feelings. I found relief in articles published, outcries on social media sites and discussions with friends and family. In an article on NPR the Roman Catholic Church responded to the event with "Faced with the death of a man, a Christian never rejoices, but reflects on the serious responsibility of everyone before God and man, and hopes and pledges that every event is not an opportunity for a further growth of hatred, but of peace."

I’m not a particularly religious person. I have faith in… something… and though I have a hard time with organized religion sometimes the Catholic Church gets it so, so right.


See the NPR Article

Monday, May 2, 2011

a.maz.ing

Today I stayed for a second class. I felt great immediately after my first class and thought it would be exhilarating to stay. The class I stayed for was an advanced level class but I thought I could handle it. 10 minutes into the second class I started to regret my decision. My thighs were burning. My abs were spent. My breath was becoming unsteady. I sweated more today than I think I ever have. Every inch of my body was dripping. By the end of the class I could wring my shirt out. My muscles loosened back up. I found my breath and breathed into the areas that were sore and tired, bringing new life back into my practice. And it felt amazing. It was a very intense experience. It took a lot to stay in that second class. It took a lot to not retreat to child’s pose every few minutes. I’m glad I stayed. I had this huge sense of accomplishment. Not only physically but mentally. I was able to push through the pain and the fatigue and make it all the way through. By the time I got home, instead of feeling exhausted I felt light.I think I’ll be doing that more often.